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Structure

Anne van Roden, LMFT

Many times when I am working with a client who has trouble organizing themselves (or their child has difficulties with this) I bring up my exoskeleton analogy. I find that organization comes so naturally to some people that it is like their endoskeleton which automatically gives structure to their body. But others (like me) need some form of an external structure in order to function well. In our neurodiverse population, people often react very negatively to the very word “structure.”  I myself used to reject the notion of structure out of hand until, many years ago, a therapist asked me that key question “Has there ever been a time when structure worked for you?”  And immediately I realized that my two favorite activities were highly structured and I loved them because of it.  My weekly tennis has consistent structure - the 10 minute warm up is choreographed (net, back court, overheads, serves) followed by 8 games with clear rules, switch partners and play the next 8, repeat.  My book study club has a similarly rigid, consistent structure.  I love these because they are my favorite activities and I know exactly what to expect when I show up.  Like a hermit crab (which is part endoskeleton and yet needs to find an exoskeleton as well) I have carefully chosen the structured activities which fit me perfectly.  Not just any structure will do. 

Many of my clients had ill-fitting structures imposed on them that didn’t work and made life much worse, and so they have rejected the idea of structure all together. A small example of this would be the kids I work with who are handed a school planner book when starting middle school because middle school requires much more organization.  The kids I work with look at that planner and just say “that doesn’t work for me!”  They definitely need the organizational help, but they need to find that “just right” exoskeleton that does support the way their particular neurodiverse brain works.  Some can use their phone apps, some need visual reminders on their bedroom walls, some create their own planner book laid out the way their brain works.   

I find that my adult clients with very little structure to daily life (the ones who don’t have a regular work or school schedule) often find themselves depressed and regularly disappointed in themselves.  So much time and energy is spent each day figuring out how to spend their time, that they rarely feel good about how the day unfolded. The COVID pandemic demolished many of our exoskeletons, and we are seeing the fallout from that for many people. Interestingly, articles on hermit crabs describe them as “at their most vulnerable” when they have outgrown their current exoskeleton and are searching for a new one that fits them well. One article I read mentioned that hermit crabs actually line up and “try on” a newly available empty shell to see who it fits best!  I love this idea for our gifted population - experiment and try on some exoskeleton structures until you find the one that fits you ”just right” instead of giving up on structure all together.