Everybody Wins!
Anne van Roden, LMFT
A few weeks ago I went to visit my 30 year old son in the Bay Area for four days. If you are familiar with our work here at GT, you have been told about the Overexcitabilities. My son registers high on all five, but his psychomotor is off the charts. The first day I arrived as he was leaving work and we went for a “little stroll” of 6.5 miles up and down the Berkeley hills. The second day was 11.2 miles (none of which counted as exercise in his thinking because it’s “just walking”)! Then another 6.7 on the third day. The fourth day I had reserved a spot at Muir Woods, which I had been really eager to see. I love the Redwoods. Naturally, we took the first turn off the main trail which was the “Hillside Trail” and lived up to its name - straight up for over 3.5 miles. Once we got to the top, there were beautiful views of the ocean. And a sign pointing to Stinson Beach which was another 3.5 or so miles. My son can be very charming and persuasive, and he turned it all on to convince me that we should continue to the beach (he knows I love the ocean).
I caught my breath, assessed my condition after several days of nonstop walking, took in the expansive and inspiring view, and said “give me a minute.” I was enjoying our time together very much. He talks so much more when walking, and my mother’s heart was happy to have had so much connection time together. But my joints were starting to ache and my feet were sore. I knew this was a bad idea and tentatively said so. He brushed that aside and convinced me to go another hundred yards or so. This happened three more times before I finally said “this is just a really bad idea, I should head back to the car.
Now we were at a difficult decision point. I needed to go back. He was longing to go forward. We both were enjoying being together and wanted to stay together. I had flown down here just to spend time with him and we don’t get enough time together! What to do? We debated several scenarios before landing on having him go on to Stinson Beach (what he really wanted to do) and me go back to the car (what I really wanted to do). This was hard! We parted reluctantly - both for the connection loss, and some concerns about logistics (it was his car, would I get lost? Would I find him again? Would this work out?)
He ended up running down the trail to the beach, free to go at the pace he really wanted to. I ended up walking at my pace back down through the gorgeous Redwood trees, able to drink in their beauty this time instead of trudging uphill staring at my shoes out of breath. We were both happy with the result. And I easily found him eating an ice cream cone at Stinson Beach. We were only apart for an hour or so and we enjoyed sharing about our separate experiences. It turned out to be a good call.
Many of the families I work with face this same dilemma on a regular basis. Family time is precious and they often want to all be together as much as possible. I find I am often suggesting that they mix it up a little. Have the adventurous parent and child go away for a weekend while the parent and sibling who prefer to stay at home do just that. Make sure the parents get a date night while the kids go to grandmas. Have the parent who loves movies take the kids there while the other parent goes to the gym, or vice-versa. Let people get their different desires/needs met in different combinations instead of all trying to compromise. Every family who has tried this has been happy with the results - coming in the next week refreshed!
Now, as with every single type of advice, taking it to the extreme is always a bad idea. In graduate school we learn that families can be “fused” (i.e. spend all their time together) or “disengaged” (spend hardly any time together) and what is healthiest is to be somewhere in the middle. That perspective is a good one. Think about how to aim for a balance in your family, where different needs can get met by doing some different activities.