Taking Control
Gloria Sandford, LMHC
The belief that we are in control of people, places and things is an illusion we create to make the pain of life disappear. Trouble and hardship in relationships are a given part of being human. Life is hard. Challenges at work and home can seem endless and the worst part is that we seem powerless at times to affect any change, especially regarding what others are saying and doing. But we keep trying. We keep trying to control what other people choose to do. We keep repeating the same words and behaviors over and over again and keep getting the same hopeless result. We even take it to the point of superstition at times. If I wear green and blue, the Seahawks will win. If I don’t, they won’t. Even when I have evidence to the contrary that it doesn’t seem to matter what I wear (and we do have that evidence in Seattle), I just keep wearing my blue and green.
The secret to changing these patterns is to identify what we are actually in control of. One of my favorite metaphors is to imagine standing inside a hula hoop. Everything inside of the circle is what I can control. Everything outside of the circle is not mine to own. I can only make choices for myself. This doesn’t mean that I am in control of everything that happens to me. So much is outside of my grasp and so it is not what happens to me that matters, it is my response that makes all the difference. I am the only person who can decide to move toward healing and growth when hard times come. No one can do it for me. Even as a parent I need to understand that the work of parenting is really a work on myself. This self-work is key to the best kind of parenting. We know that modeling is the strongest form of learning. If I want my child to be motivated for their own learning and growth, so do I. If I want them to be respectful of people in authority, so must I. Working on myself is what I can control and though it may not take away the pain or make life easier in the moment, it is real and powerful to make change that lasts.